Traffic on our minds

Waze helps drivers find the fastest routes. This 15 mile trip would only take a little over an hour.

Mattie Rosen/The RamPage

Waze helps drivers find the fastest routes. This 15 mile trip would only take a little over an hour.

Editor’s note: This article is satirical and completely false.


Oh, how we love Atlanta traffic. Seriously.

When most Atlantans are driving, they aren’t aware of an obscure, new speed limit and blinker rule now enforced by the Georgia Department of Transportation. Luckily, a post circulated recently on Facebook (yes, everything read and seen online is true) profiles the speed limit. “On I-75 and I-85, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number.” The blinker rule, now documented in Section E of State Code 8397, states that use of blinkers is no longer required, as no drivers use them anyways.

The new speed limits come soon after the Atlanta Regional Commission, a planning board for metro Atlanta, released recent statistics on rush hour times. The Commission found that morning rush hour Monday through Friday now starts at 6:00 am and continues until noon. Afternoon rush hour is a longer length of time, now from noon to 8:00 pm. Friday afternoons are also a whole other story, with rush hour starting on Wednesday afternoon. Weekend rush hour is from 11:00 am to midnight.

If you are more of a night driver, have no fear! There are problems for you to worry about too. Night terror-inducing pitch-black back road detours are real, and inevitable. You will be told to stay in the right lane and merge onto another highway, but wait! You now have .4 of a mile to get all the way to the left and avoid the ex… Oops! Too late! You are now in “No man’s land,” otherwise known as the territory of “recalculating… make a u-turn… recalculating…”

Additionally, the City of Atlanta, when not recovering from destructive highway syndrome, has a complex lane closure schedule. Every night, the city moves around construction barrels and detour signs to make morning commutes just a little more exciting. This is on top of last week’s morning commute fireworks.

If these stimulating obstacle courses aren’t quite your speed, don’t worry! Slow down a bit, and take the back roads and side streets. Not only will you find yourself surrounded by others looking for a change of pace, but you will finally have the chance to finish reading any interesting billboards that you would have otherwise whizzed by without settling into the street-wide parking lots.

All of these problems, however, will soon be gone immediately after the I-85 bridge is finished being repaired. While other cities like Los Angeles and New York have traffic all year round, Atlanta does not. This just proves why cities founded as transportation hubs for railroads never have any problems. Pretty soon, there will be no need for entertainment, as the traffic will have slipped into distant memory.

How long does it take you to get to school/work in Atlanta traffic?

  • 1 hour (60%, 3 Votes)
  • 15 minutes (20%, 1 Votes)
  • I don't go to school/work; the traffic is too bad. (20%, 1 Votes)
  • 3 hours (0%, 0 Votes)

Total Voters: 5

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